“Parenting” is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world — and the one for which you might feel the least prepared. Each child will reach emotional and social milestones at their own unique pace. Tailoring your parenting styles according to your child’s needs is known as “goodness of fit’’ parenting- a very important concept in child psychology. Dr. Tulika Shukla, Specialist Psychiatrist and Child Behaviour Specialist Dubai shares with us a few secrets of successful and happy parenting.
1. Successful parents have healthy home atmospheres.
Healthy homes form the foundation on which children base their lives. Stable, married couples set a good example for children. Having said that, single parent homes are also equally capable of providing a loving and stable atmosphere for the child despite facing more challenges than households with co-parents. Overall if a child’s need for security, stability and affection are met at home the child will thrive.
2. Set Limits and Be Consistent With Your Discipline
Discipline is necessary in every household. The goal of discipline is to help kids choose acceptable behaviors and learn self-control. They may test the limits you establish for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible adults. Some rules might include: no TV until homework is done, and no hitting, name-calling, or hurtful teasing allowed.
You might want to have a system in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as a "time out" or loss of privileges. A common mistake parents make is failure to follow through with the consequences. You can't discipline kids for talking back one day and ignore it the next. Being consistent teaches what you expect.
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or speaking disrespectfully to you it is best if you leave the room or tell the child calmly that you will be in the next room if they want to “Try again when they are calm.”
Disciplining should never be motivated by anger, pride, anxiety or selfish reasons as that will cause more harm than good. Instead, it should be motivated by love and a desire for the kids to become the best version of themselves.
3. Boosting Your Child's Self-Esteem
You may find yourself criticizing your kids far more often than complimenting. How would you feel about a boss who treated you with that much negative guidance, even if it was well intentioned?
Children develop their self esteem through their parents' eyes. Your choice of words , tone of voice, body language, and expressions are absorbed by your kids.
When your kids make mistakes criticise the wrong behaviour, not the child. Avoid labelling the child as per their behaviour. Say “your behaviour was not good” rather than saying “you are misbehaved.”
Make a point of finding something to praise every day and keep the praise genuine. Catch your kids doing something right. Be generous with rewards — child psychology says social rewards work better than punishment. Soon you will find you are "growing" more of the behavior you would like to see.
4. Make Time for Your Kids- quality over quantity
Spend quality time together. Don't feel guilty if you're a working parent. It is the many little things you do — making popcorn, playing, window shopping — that kids will remember. Create a "special night" each week to be together and let your kids help decide how to spend the time.
Adolescents seem to need less attention. They also seem to prefer spending time with peers rather than parents. Because there are fewer windows of opportunity , parents should do their best to be available when their teen does express a desire to talk . Kids who aren't getting the attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because they're sure to be noticed that way.
5. Be a Good Role Model
Young kids learn a lot about how to act by watching their parents. Before you lash out in front of your child, think about this: Is that how you want your child to behave when angry? Child psychology studies have shown that children who hit or bully usually have a role model for aggression at home. Model the traits you wish to see in your kids: respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Above all, treat your kids the way you expect other people to treat you.
6. Make Communication a Priority
You can't expect kids to do everything simply because you, as a parent, "say so." Make your expectations clear and explain why you expect that. If there is a problem, describe it, express your feelings, and invite your child to work on a solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choices. Be open to your child's suggestions as well. Negotiate. Kids who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them out.
7. Be Flexible and Willing to Adjust Your Parenting Style
If you often feel "let down" by your child's behavior, perhaps you have unrealistic expectations. You might find it helpful to read up on the matter or to talk to other parents or child behaviour therapists.
As your child grows, you'll gradually have to change your parenting style. What works for a 10 year old will not work for a 15 year old. Teens tend to look to their peers for role models. But continue to provide guidance, encouragement, and appropriate discipline while allowing your teen to earn more independence.
Also understand your child’s temperament, expecting an introverted child to be a stage performer and an extroverted child to sit at one place and study quietly for long shows a mismatch of technique and temperament.
8. Know Your Own Needs and Limitations as a Parent
Face it — you are an imperfect parent. Parenting is a skill. We can all improve our parenting. Most important is your intent and goal. Getting parenting guidance when things get tough is another useful strategy. Admit it when you're burned out. Take time out to do things that will make you happy as a person (or as a couple). Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.
If you are finding parenting difficult, get evaluated by our child behaviour therapist or child behaviour specialist in Dubai to rule out childhood conditions like autism, ADHD, IDD, ODD or learning disabilities . Using neurotypical strategies when the child has undiagnosed neurodevelopmental differences or unaddressed marital issues, burnout, anxiety disorder ,depression or personality issues in the parents and sometimes a mismatch of techniques and temperament might cause difficulties. Getting professional help and parenting guidance in such circumstances might be very helpful.
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